Losing you
by Joyce3
Summary: Xander and Buffy grow closer to each other after the events in Gone. Final chapter ten is now up!
1. Losing you

Title: Losing you

Author: Joyce

Rating: PG-13, some swearing, nothing really big.

Disclaimer: These characters are not mine. Blah,blah,blah... You get it.

Note: This idea has been in my head ever since I saw 'Gone.' I never saw a more ridicilous scene, and I really needed to share my thoughts about it, I guess. This is pretty dark, at least for me. But that episode just bugged me.

Spoilers: The episode Gone. After the scene between Xander, (invisible Buffy) and Spike in his crypt.

Losing you 

Xander Harris walked out of the crypt Spike called his home shaking his head. He just couldn't believe what he just NOT saw. How stupid did they think he was? More importantly, how stupid did SHE think he was? 

He knew the smell of sex, the sounds of sex and the movements of sex and he didn't need to see Buffy to know that she had been there. Under that thing, actually enjoying what yet another vampire was doing to her. If the thought of that wasn't aboslutely disgusting, the thought of the lack of respect she felt for him, her best friend, was actually devastating.

She had felt no shame, actually playing with Spike's earlobe in front of him. Did she really believe he would think earlobes could move out of their own free will. Spike was freaky, but not that freaky.

It had taken him al the willpower he possesed to play the part they expected him to play. The one of the dumb, silly, best friend. The Xander who was always last to catch on when things got complicated, the Xander who would make dumb jokes at any given moment, the Xander who Cordelia had once called the Zeppo.

It was an easy part for him to play and he had played it without giving it a second thought. Because, even in that awful moment when he realised that she was sleeping with Spike and right in front of him too, he also knew that she needed him to be the Xander she thought she knew.

And he actually did that for her too, gave her the fake Xander when all he wanted to do was grab her, even in invisible form, and yell at her. Or just talk to her, maybe hold her. Anything, to get the Buffy back they had all known and loved. But he couldn't get himself to do that, didn't have the energy for it. Why would he go through so much trouble for her?

Clearly she didn't think very highly of him, didn't have any respect for him otherwise she wouldn't have done what she did. He could get over the fact that she was sleeping with Spike, it was icky but eventually her choice. He had no say in that. He couldn't get over the fact that she treated him like garbage in that crypt. Played him like a fool. Made him feel like a buttmonkey all over again, he didn't deserve that. She didn't deserve to make him feel that way. Not at a time when he was finally comfortable with himself, actually liking himself and the life he had builed around himself. He had beaten the odds and had become somebody, and he had sworn to himself that nobody would ever make him feel less than that again. Not even Buffy...

She didn't know it yet, but she had just lost the trust and support of one of the most important people in her life and it would take time and a lot of hard work to get that back again.

A couple of weeks later.

Buffy was sitting in the Magic Box, staring at her best friend sitting across the table from her. Something was wrong with him, he was distant, even a little cold when confronted with her. At first she had thought it had been all in her head, but it wasn't. 

The others had noticed it too. Willow had even asked him what was going on. He had told her to stay out of it, in very unlike Xander words. The redhead hadn't tried to talk to him about it since then, although he had apologised afterwards, and they had a long talk. She just knew that she couldn't push him, that he needed to sort this out by himself. So she repected his wish and Buffy had agreed to do the same. 

But it was starting to bug her, to the the amount that she even talked to Spike about it after one of their little get togethers. Of course the vampire didn't care much about the issue, claiming that she was much better of without 'the boy's constant wining.'

So today she had gathered up her courage.

"Xander, we need to talk."

He didn't look up from the book he was reading.

"No, we don't."

She tried to look him in the eyes, to no avail. He refused to look up.

"Xander, please..."

Still no response, execpt for his hand turning the page. She tried a joke, to relieve some of the tention.

"Look, I really don't have a lot of time. I should get out there any minute now. You know, slaying the good old forces of evil."

His reaction was very different then she expected. He got up and slammed the book on the table. Finally looking at her, although she got scared by the look in his eyes. When he spoke his voice was casual, almost not caring.

"You don't slay the forces of evil, you fuck the forces of evil."

She went pale when she realised the implications of what he just said. He went on, sarcastic, a smile almost forming on his lips.

"Suprised that I know? That you sneak out to fuck Spike almost every night... Who knew that your Xander shaped friend could actually get what was going on, huh?"

She blinked.

"How?"

He laughed.

"How did I knew. Well believe it or not Buff,  I actually have a brain, although you seem to think that I don't. Remember when you got a slight case of invisibility. Remember when I went to Spike's crypt to try and find you? Remember?"

"You knew I was there?"

This time his laugh was real.

"You're suprised. You have the nerve to actually be suprised. Fuck Buff, you were invisible and I find Spike making sex moves on his bed... I actually heard you moan when he sped up his movements. I saw you nibble his fucking ear!!

Geeh, I have no clue how I could have guessed it... That room smelled of sex, of you, and you actually thought I wouldn't notice that. I am not braindead!"

She flinced when she heard him scream.

"I'm sorry you found out like that Xand, but you have no freaking right to judge me. This is my life."

He replied calmly.

"You're right, it is your life and if you want to sleep with Spike then that's your decision not mine. I'm not saying it is, in fact you can grow old with him, I really don't care. Your call."

She didn't get it.

"Then why are you so mad at me?"

"Because you treated me like a piece of shit in that crypt. You showed no respect for me, and betrayed my trust in you. You didn't treat me like a friend Buff. Not even as a human being,. And another thing, I am not mad at you. I am not anything with you. You showed me how you really felt about me in that crypt and from that moment I stopped caring."

Hearing him say that hurt her, but she still kept defending herself.

"If you really don't care, then why are you still here?"

He shook his head.

"God, you are so selfinvolved. I am not here because of you. What, did you think I would leave town and my life because I didn't have you anymore. The woman that I love is here. My best friend is here, and you know what, she needs me. We need eachother. 

And last, but not least, your sister is here. Remember her? Dawn?

The girl you died for, the girl you are totally ignoring since you got back. That girl is still morning the loss of her mother, and you know what, she is also still morning the loss of her sister. Because what you are now is sure as hell not the sister she remembers. She is drowning, feeling very much alone, and I won't leave her. She doesn't need another important person in her life leaving her. That is why I stay, it has nothing to do with you."

Buffy was crying now, screaming.

"You have no right to tell me these things, you jerk. This is all your fault, you pulled me out of heaven!"

"Would you get over that? Poor Buffy, pulled out of heaven. We're sorry, ok? We've told you that like a thousand times. You were the one who made the desiscion to become like this. We never forced you to become this empty shell, to sleep with Spike. I get that this is hard for you, but you know what, you aren't the only one who is hurting. And you could have decided to make the best of it, to seize this extra time with your sister and watch her grow up. We pulled you out of heaven and we were responsible for the horrible way you had to claw yourself back into this life. You're right about that, but you know what? We are not responsible for the way you lead your life. Time to grow up Buffy, take some responsibiblity for a change."

She snorted.

"You are one to talk."

Again, he didn't burtst into anger.

"I am, my life is on the rails. I'm doing good now."

"Yeah well, you are not the slayer, you're not anybody in this fight I have to fight."

This time he did get angry.

"I may not have special powers, but I saved your skinny ass more times then I can count in this fight that isn't mine. Not to mention the fact that I had some other demons to fight. Abusive parents, drunken fights, rape. I've seen it all growing up, I felt it all growing up. Considering my background I came out more then ok. But you don't even see the problems other people have, cause nothing could be more terrible then your life. Well guess what, other people have to battle too, we don't sit around and sing happy songs all day."

For the first time in the conversation she was silent, taking in what he had said. Shocked to hear about the horrors of his life. The ones she never bothered to ask about. He didn't wait around for her to find her voice again and got up to leave. He was stopped by her voice.

"Can I ever repair our friendship?"

He looked at her, for the first time seeing a small piece of her old self.

"I don't know, I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for it. This isn't about repair, this is about building from scratch. I would focuss on relationships that are worth a chance. Give Dawn the love she deserves, Willow the friend she wants. They both need you, I don't."

He left her, and she sat there for a long time. Thinking about the loss of a man she never fully appreciated until it was too late. Promising herself she wouldn't let it happen again with other loved ones in her life. Praying that maybe, someday, he would be her Xander again and she could be his Buffy again.


	2. Facing you

Title: Facing you

Author: Joyce

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, only the story is mine.

Spoilers: Nothing really big. 

Note: This takes place six months after Losing you. Xander did not get married to Anya, but he didn't leave her at the altar. He told her some time before the wedding that he wasn't ready and she left town after that. Nobody has heard from her since. Also Tara never died, so Willow never tried to end the world.

Facing you 

Buffy took a deep breath before she made the final steps over to the construction site. Xander was working today and she knew he had a break in a couple of minutes. It had been six months since their fatal talk, the talk that took them away from eachother. He never disapeared out of her life, coming by often to see Dawn or Willow. And he didn't avoid her either, he talked to her, and still belonged to her Scooby gang, helping her fight evil whenever he was needed. But he wasn't her friend anymore.

After their talk in the Magic Box she had really tried to make her life worth living again. She had broke things of with Spike, although it had been hard. Somewhere along the line he had become some sort of addiction to her and it was never easy to break a bad habit. Not to mention the fact that it took a long time for Spike to accept that it was really over. Sometimes she still didn't think that he really believed her, but she was at a point in her life now that she didn't care anymore whether or not he believed her.

Trying to reconnect with Willow had been much easier. The redhead had missed her best friend so much that she had been estatic to finally have a piece of her back. It gave them both the peace they so longed to find. Buffy helped Willow face her problems with Tara, Willow helped Buffy find herself again. A proces that had been painful and hard but was finally coming together now.

Dawn had been another story, her little sister had been deeply traumatised by the events of last year and she just couldn't believe that Buffy was really trying to be there for her. It took a lot of long talks and hard work before she started to open up to Buffy, but the last month had been getting better every day. Dawn could go out and act like a teenager again and she started to understand more and more that her big sister was trying to do the best she could.

So, after some tough six months Buffy could finally say that she was happy to be alive. Life wasn't perfect, not by a long shot. But she was here and, more importantly, she didn't want to be anywhere else. 

But she still missed one thing in her life: Xander Harris. He had seen the change in her and even helped her to some extend. Convincing Dawn that she should give Buffy a chance, but he never took that advice himself. Never reached out to her and she had been afraid to do so. 

But today she had finally decided that she wanted to try and see what they could repair. She didn't think she had another choice because it was really very simple: she missed him. She missed his friendship, his support, even his silly jokes and she missed being a part of his life. His breakup with Anya had been hard on him, but she never talked to him about it and it really hurt her. To see him in pain and not being able to help him, because he wouldn't allow her.

Standing there on the construction site she almost lost her courage, but once he spotted her she knew she had to at least try. The old Buffy Summers never gave up without a fight and so she would fight for him.

Xander looked up from his work because he felt someone staring at him. Buffy was standing a couple of feet away from him and he didn't know what to think of that. She never came to his work, and she never looked him up by herself. Not since the fight they had in the Magic Box. Looking into her eyes he was surprised to see a familiar look there. Determination. He had seen it in her eyes before, but not that much lately. And never directed at him.

Buffy closed the distance between them.

"Don't you have a break coming up now?"

"Yeah, I have one now."

She nodded.

"Can we talk?"

Xander hesitated, but only for a second. 

"Sure."

He led her to a somewhat private area, although they were still on the construction site. He pointed to a bench they could sit on and they took a seat. For a while neither of them spoke, instead they just sat there and watched the activities on the site. Eventually Buffy broke the silence.

"I wanna start building."

He blinked a couple of times.

"Huh? I don't get it, do you wanna work here or something?"

She tried again.

"No, I wanna start building."

He shook his head.

"Still don't get it Buffy. Sorry."

She sighed.

"Remember the last time we spoke alone? I asked you if I could ever repair our friendship. And you..."

He interrupted her.

"I said it wasn't about repair, it was about building from scratch."

She nodded, looking at him again.

"Do you understand now? I wanna start building."

He was silent for a while. Thinking about the hurt she had caused him, thinking about the hurt he had caused her. He finally had to ask.

"Why?"

Her answer had nothing to do with the question, but he understood anyway.

"You broke up with Anya and I didn't even know."

She had missed him. He tried to confince himself that it didn't mather but it did. Six months ago it wouldn't have made a difference. He was still consumed with rage, with hurt. He didn't trust her then, so it wouldn't have mattered. 

But he had changed, his feelings had changed, because she had changed. She wasn't the same girl he had screamed at anymore, she was actually becoming the Buffy he had known. He had loved. But he was still afraid to let her get close again, because she could hurt him.

"I don't wanna get hurt."

At first she tought he hadn't spoken at all, since he had said it in a whisper.

"Neither do I."

Her answer suprised him, because he never would have tought he had the power to hurt her too. But when he looked at her it was there, hurt. Because of him.

"I really felt alone after An left."

"I felt realy helpless after she left."

She hestitated, but slowly she reached out and took hold of his hand. He tensed, looking at her small hand covering his much bigger hand. Still debating what to do. 

"Please let me help you Xand."

The words drained the tension out of him and he let her hold his hand. Noticing that a look of relieve washed over her. She was scared, scared that he would turn her down and reject the last chance they had at saving their friendship.

"You did good this last couple of months. Thank you for giving Dawn the love and patience she deserves. For helping Willow."

Hearing him say that made her smile a little.

"You know, I'm happy again."

He nodded.

"Good."

She sqeezed his hand.

"But I'm still incomplete. And it's really hard to see you like this. I don't think I've seen you in this much pain before."

"It's just all my fault, you know. I should have told her I wasn't ready for marriage sooner. Maybe, if I had done that, she would still be here with me."

Buffy forced him to look at her.

"You did the best you could do. Asking her to marry you wasn't the smartest thing you've ever done, but you could have made it a lot worse. It's not like you left her at the altar, and I know your decision to not marry her had nothing to do with how much you love her."

He gave her half a smile.

"But I still broke her heart."

She nodded.

"Yeah, but someone once told me that people make their own decisions. She left because she wanted to, not because you made her leave."

"It doesn't matter that I didn't want her to leave. She's still gone and...I just miss her."

"It will get better. Trust me."

He took his hand away.

"I still don't know if I can do that. Trust you, I mean."

"I know, I'm not asking for miracles here. I'm asking for a chance to start building again."

He gave her a look.

"Don't you think we are using this 'building' metaphore a bit much?"

"I am, you still haven't said anything about the subject."

He sighed. 

"I've lost a lot these last months. Anya, you... I'm afraid to lose more. I don't wanna start building because I'm scared the building will fall down before we get to the top. And I'm scared that maybe this time I won't be able to crawl back up from under the pieces."

"Ok, now I think we've both overused the 'building' metaphore. But I do get what you're saying. I'm scared too."

He shook his head, looking at his watch.

"Look, I've gotta go. My break is almost over."

She took his arm.

"Stay. Please, just another minute. Listen to me. I miss you. And I know this is going to be hard, that we're both scared. But I also know that these last months I've picked up the phone a thousand times because I just saw something funny or whatever and all I wanted to do was tell you. You've always been my best friend, and I know that I took you for granted. Took a lot of things for granted, but I do love you. You are one of the reasons I keep fighting every night. And I just want to know that we have a chance. That's all I want. To know that maybe, someday, we can be friends again. And I can just pick up the phone and tell you about my day. I want you to be a part of my life and I want to be in yours. Please tell me we can at least try."

It took a couple of minutes before he spoke again.

"I'm sorry Buffy, but I can't try. I just can't."

She got up, defeated, not knowing what else to do.

"Buffy?"

"Yeah?"

"I don't wanna try, because I wanna start building."

Before he knew it, he was stormed by her and enveloped in a huge hug.

"What made you change your mind?"

He grinned a little.

"Look around you, I'm good at building."

She let go of him.

"You are, and you know what, I'm gonna be the best damn fellow builder you've ever had. From now on just call me 'Building' Buffy."

"Building Buffy it is."

He looked at his watch again.

"Don't get me wrong Buff, I want to do this. But I want you to know that you really did hurt me in that crypt. A lot, and we still need to talk about that. Also, I really have to go now, my break is defenitely over."

"Go. Oh and Xand, I really am sorry for treading you like that. I hope you know that."

He nodded and returned to his work, but stopped when he heard her scream his name.

"Xander!"

"What!"

"Me and Will are having a movie night tonight, wanna come?"

He looked at her, the way her eyes were sparkling, the way she was smiling and truly felt like he saw her for the first time. He had a gutfeeling that maybe this girl could end up being his best friend. And you had to start building somewhere.

"Sure, why not."

Buffy watched him walk away, not even realising she was smiling like an idiot. She knew that they had a long road ahead of them. But she also knew that for the first time in six months she was complete again. 


	3. Trusting you

Title: Trusting you

Author: Joyce

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, and if you believe that I do, then there's really something wrong with you....

Spoilers: Nothing I can think of.

Note: This is the thirth installment in the series that started with Losing you, this takes place three months after the second story, which was Facing you.

Buffy and Xander are trying to rebuild their friendship. 

Trusting you 

Xander stumbled into his appartment, worn out from a hard day at work. Kicking of his shoes, he made his way to the bathroom. Thirty minutes later a much better looking Xander emerged in the livingroom again. He always felt better after a shower, there was nothing better then clean clothes on a clean body after a day at the construction site. Yawning, he walked to the kitchen, to find he had nothing there except for some leftover Chinese food. He nuked it up and started eating like a madman. Company or no company, Xander Harris always feared his dinner would walk of his plate.

He had just finished his food when there was a knock on his door. He was slightly suprised to see a sad looking Buffy at his doorstep. He knew today would be a hard day for her, so the fact that she was sad was no suprise, the fact that she was here was. She gave him a small smile.

"Can I come in?"

He nodded.

"Sure."

Stepping into the appartment she wondered why she had come here tonight. But once she turned around and saw the worry in his eyes, she knew why. He cared.

Meanwhile, Xander was thinking about the right way to approach her, but he really didn't know where to begin. Eventually he realised he had to say something.

"Are you hungry, cause I don't really have all that much too offer you, not real food anyway and I know how much you hate my junkfood, but if you want I can go out and get you something to eat or otherwise..."

She interrupted him.

"Xander breathe, I'm not hungry. You don't need to get me anything."

He nodded, still a bit uncomfortable.

"Do you wanna sit down?"

She gave him a small nod and sat down on the couch, and he eventually followed. Sitting down beside her. For a while neither said anything, Buffy was studying her fingernails while he was looking at her. 

"So, where is Dawn?"

She looked thoughtful for a moment.

"Out with friends."

She turned to him.

"Was that the right decision, letting her go out tonight?"

"Do you think she needed it?"

His question and the full confidence he had in her gave her some of her calm back.

"Yeah, I think it was just what she needed."

"Then you made the right decision."

They were silent again, lost in their own thoughts until he felt her head against his shoulder. She was leaning against him, looking for something. Looking for comfort, so he did the only thing he could do, he wrapped his arm around her and she somewhat relaxed against him. He just closed his eyes and hoped that this would help a bit. It took a long time for her to finally start speaking again.

"She would have turned 45 today."

The hurt in her voice caused him to tighten his hold on her.

"I know."

His voice was a whisper and it suprised her to see the pain he was in. It always suprised her to see how much he cared. Because he didn't have to, he just did.

"I still miss her so much Xan."

"I do too, I know it's not the same for me. But I do too, she was...she was special. She believed in me, you know..."

She looked up at him, tears beginning to form in her eyes.

"She liked you, and she was right to believe in you. She would have been proud to see what you have become."

"And she would have been so proud to see you and Dawnie now."

By now she was really crying.

"Would she really?"

Her question broke his heart.

"Of course she would Buff. Your mother loved you, she loved you so much and you are giving her more reason the be proud of you every day. You are taking care of Dawn for her, and you are doing a good job at that too. She would have been proud, no doubt about it."

"No doubt?"

"None."

He let her cry on his shoulder for a while, just content to hold her and be there for her. Eventually he let go of her.

"Stay where you are."

"Where are you going?"

He got up and went into his kitchen, to come out with a small cake that had a little candle on it. He smiled at her, somewhat embarresed.

"I know this is silly, but I bought it for her this morning. For no reason really, I just wanted to...I don't know...maybe celebrate her life...I was gonna eat it by myself tonight, honoring her...But I was hoping that maybe we could eat it together now. I mean...if you want to. If you don't, I'll just put it back in the kitchen and pretend this never happened. Your call."

She really didn't know what she was feeling right now, except that she had a best friend who was the sweetest guy in the world. 

"You did that for her?"

"Yeah, as I said before..I miss her. She was important to me, she taught me that there are good parents out there, which isn't really something I had seen that much before and I just...I felt like I had to do something today. For her."

Something of a smile was seen on Buffy's face.

"Yeah...for her."

He sat down beside her again. Lightning the candle on the cake. Looking at Buffy.

"Do you wanna blow out the candle?"

She nodded, closed her eyes and blew out the candle. He then cut the cake in two pieces and gave her a piece.

"This is for Joyce."

She repeated the sentence.

"Yeah, this is for mom."

They ate their cake in silence, both remembering the woman they still missed every day.

"Xand?"

"Yeah..."

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"For being there,  for letting me cry, for buying a cake for my mother, for everything. Just....thank you."

"Hey, it's all part of the building proces."

She smiled, remembering the day when they had started to rebuild their friendship.

"How is the building proces coming along, now that we are on the subject?"

He grinned.

"Don't worry Buff, we're right on schedule."

She got up and gave him a hug.

"Good, I can't tell you how happy I am because of that."

"I know."

She let go of him.

"I'm gonna go now. Not that I really want to, but I want to be there when Dawn get's home. I have a feeling she might need me then, and I know I need her too."

"Go, be there for her."

Grabbing her coat she made her way to his door while he walked her out. On his doorstep she turned aound, facing him.

"Thank you...again."

"Buffy?"

"Yeah?"

He paused, not really sure if he should ask her this.

"Why did you come here tonight?"

"Because I knew that you would be there for me. Because I trust you."

She turned around and walked away, and he closed the door.

"Because I trust you..."

 He smiled and walked to his window. He looked up at the sky, to see nothing in particular, he was just hoping that she would hear him. Somehow.

"You would have been proud Joyce..."

End.


	4. Protecting you

Author: Joyce 

Title: Protecting you

Disclaimer: No character used in this story is mine.

Note: Fourth installment in the 'Losing you'series. This takes place a couple of weeks after the thirth story, Trusting you.

Protecting you 

Buffy Summers had not been this sick in a long, long time. The last time had been when she had to go to the hospital. And quickly after that she had sworn to never  get sick again. She hated hospitals that much, of course her body had a mind of his own and right now she had a bad case of the flu. But she had persisted in one thing, she didn't go to the hospital this time, even though her friends had practicially begged her. It seemed that when Buffy got sick, she got really sick and it scared the hell out of her friends. 

So now Buffy was home alone, not feeling quite well. Dawn had been invited to a party, and even though she had offered to stay with her sister, Buffy had forced her to go. Saying that she would sneeze on her if she didn't. Willow had been just as hard to get rid of, her best friend had made plans with Tara, but was willing to cancel so she could stay and take care of Buffy. It had taken a long talk before Willow was finally convinced that Buffy could survive a night alone. In a way, being sick wasn't that bad for the slayer, it was nice to be the one people wanted to protect for once. Usually she did all of the protecting.

But now she was also happy to have some peace for a evening, having people around you all day who were pampering you could make a girl very tired. So she decided to take a bath and go to sleep. 

She was now in the bathroom, turning on the shower when she heard a noice behind her. Turning around, she was unpleasantly suprised by the person she saw there.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

Spike raised his eyebrows at her question, not moving from his spot.

"Came to see if you're ok. I heard you were sick."

She sighed.

"I'm fine Spike, just fine. You didn't need to come over here."

He finally stepped into the bathroom, never taking his eyes away from her.

"I had to see it you were ok, you were sick."

Buffy knew that he was worried about her, but it gave her no joy, because it meant that he still wasn't over her. It meant that he kept living in his own little world, in which she would stay his forever.

"Stop it Spike, you gotta stop doing this."

"Do what, love?"

She looked at him, taking a deap breath. Hoping that maybe this time he would get the message.

"You gotta stop asking about me, worrying about me, caring about me. It's over Spike, really over. It has been for a long time now. Accept it."

He shook his head.

"This thing we have between us is never over. Don't you feel that, don't you still feel it burning?"

"The only thing I feel burning right now is my skin, because I have a fever. As for us, no, I don't feel it. I'm not even sure if I ever felt it."

Her words never got to him, because he was convinced that she was lying. So he kept holding on to that little shred of hope that told him that she was in denial, that she did love him. She just needed to be reminded by him.

"How can you say you never felt it. You and I, we were love together. We were burning passion, we were consumed with eachother. That's love Buffy, we felt love."

She didn't know what to do anymore, didn't know what to say that would make him understand. But still she tried.

"It wasn't love Spike. What you just described, wasn't love. At least not for me. We were brutal together, and maybe that is love to you, I don't know. You were like an addiction to me, made me feel dark and dangerous and you gave me exactly what I wanted at that time in my life, but it was never love. I'm sorry Spike, but you need to understand that."

Hearing her say that she didn't love him yet again, made him lose his mind. She just had to feel what was between them. Making a sudden move he caught her by the wrist and pulled her over to him, pressing his body up against hers. 

"You have to feel it, you have to. This is love Buffy, you have to feel it."

Buffy got scared when he suddenly pulled her over to him, especially when she realised that she didn't have the strenght to get away from him. Normally it would have been no problem, but the flu had made her weak and right now, he was stronger then she was.

"Let me go Spike, you're hurting me."

He didn't listen to her because he was acting on instinct and his instincts told him to show her how much he loved her. He turned her face towards his and brutally kissed her, presssing her much smaller body to the ground.

Meanwhile Buffy was trying real hard to resist, struggling to get him of her, but it was no use, he was to strong. She never felt so helpless her whole life, never so scared. His hands were all over her body and she felt marked, invaded. But she kept on fighting, she bit him, she hit him, it did nothing to him. Eventually it was no use, his weight was to much, his strenght was to much. His obsession to big. So she just lay there on the floor, chanting no all the time, while her mind knew that he would rape her. Because there was nothing she could do to stop him, which scared her more then the psychial pain he was causing her. Not wanting to see him, she closed her eyes. Still saying no over and over.

He felt her surrender to him, and it gave him hope. She would soon feel the love she once felt for him. He was so lost in her that he never saw him coming, until he was suddenly not on Buffy anymore but slammed into the wall, facing a very pissed of Xander Harris.

It took a couple of seconds for Buffy to realise that the weight of Spike was no longer on her. Opening her eyes she saw why. Spike was pinned to the wall, while Xander looked ready to rip him apart with his bare hands. She didn't think she ever saw him this mad before.

Spike wasn't that impressed however.

"Do you mind, we were in the middle of something here."

Xander's answer was sarcastic, his voice very cold.

"I'm so sorry, do you want me to come back later so you can finish raping my best friend?"

Spike laughed.

"I wasn't raping her man, we were always like this."

His answer made Xander lose his selfcontrol, yelling at the vampire.

"Look at her!! Look at what you've done to her!!"

Spike turned to look at Buffy, barely recognising the girl on the floor. She was crying, hugging herself and covered with bruises. She felt him looking at her and looked up, terror in her eyes when they made eyecontact. She was afraid of him. He still wasn't ready to face what he had done however.

"Oh, c'mon Harris, you know that Buffy is a bit of a drama queen."

Spike barely had time to finish his sentence before there was a fist in his face. He had pushed the boy to far, and the result was that Xander sent him flying trough the bathroom.

Buffy watched Xander beat up Spike, watched him let out all of his anger. She never knew he could posses so much rage, and while it gave her some sort of joy, it also scared her. In the middle of the fight she saw him take a stake out of his jacket and she knew she had to interrupt.

"Xander, no..."

Her voice was a whisper, but he still heard her. Looking at her with suprise.

"No? Buff, he was raping you. He deserves this."

She agreed with him, but she also knew that she didn't want Xander to do this. Not because of Spike, but because of him. Xander Harris was not a killer and she wouldn't allow him to become one for her. 

"Please, could you just make sure he leaves?"

The pleading in her eyes made him reluctantly obey. He wasn't happy about it, but he would talk to her later. After he had kicked Spike out of her house.

Spike followed him downstairs without saying a word, a smirk on his face. Xander said nothing while he opened the door.

"She just can't kill me Harris, you know that."

Xander grabbed him by his coat, making sure he got the message.

"I would watch your back if I were you Spike. She may not want me to kill you, but I'm very clumbsy. One of these days I will trip and accidently shove a stake trough your heart. And that is no threat, but a promise."

Shoving him out of the door, he closed it. Walking back up the stairs without looking back. Coming into the bathroom he saw Buffy sitting in the same position he left her. Carefully, he took a seat next to her.

"Why didn't you want me to kill him?"

She looked up at him.

"You're a good guy, I didn't want you to kill him because that isn't you. He's not worth it."

"He tried to rape you."

She saw the anger in his eyes, and realised that he would do anything to protect the ones he loved. 

"I know, and he would have done it, if it wasn't for you."

He was about to replay when he saw that she was shivering.

"Buff, you're shivering, you need to get out of her and back to bed. C'mon, let me help you up."

He got up and offered her his hand, she hesitated before she got up and took it. Together they made their way to Buffy's room. Once inside he helped her get into bed, while he took a seat on her bed.

"Do you want me to stay with you?"

She shook her head.

"No, it's ok, I'm fine."

He got up, still not sure if he should leave her. Watching him go Buffy realised she wasn't ready to be alone yet.

"Xander!"

"Yes?"

"Please stay."

He didn't ask any questions, but just made his way back to the bed to take his earlier seat again. For a while neither of them said anything, until Buffy broke the silence.

"He was stronger then me..."

Her voice was distant, almost non caring and she didn't look at him.

"Because of the flu?"

"Yeah, because of the flu."

Again it took a long time before she said anything, but this time she did turn to look at him, tears begining to form in her eyes.

"I stopped resisting, does that mean he had a right to do this?"

"No, Buffy, God no, you didn't want him to touch you, he had no right. You know that."

She started to cry and he lay down beside her, wrapping her arms around her, while he let her cry.

"I was so scared Xander, he made me feel so helpless."

The pain she was in caused Xander to hold her even closer to him, made him resent Spike even more. The next hour, he kept listening to her, comforting her and eventually she fell asleep in his arms. Making sure not to wake her, he let go of her and took a seat in the chair by her bed. Sleeping beside her bed for the rest of the night, watching over her.

Buffy woke up the next morning, suprised to see Xander asleep in the chair next to her. The events of the night before suddenly popped up in her mind, and she could understand why he was there. He was protecting her.

"Xander?"

Her voice took him out of his slumber, he never really slept beside her. Afraid that she would need him in the middle of the night.

"Hi."

She smiled.

"Hi."

"How are you?"

"Better, not there yet, but better."

He nodded.

"Did you sleep well?"

"Yeah, I did."

There was a silence in which neither knew what to say. Xander was staring at the carpet when her voice caught his attention.

"I'm gonna let Willow work her magic today. So that she can uninvite Spike into my house, I don't want him anywhere near my family and me."

A smile was seen on his face.

"I can't say I would object to that."

"No, I kinda figured you wouldn't object."

"Are you gonna tell them what happened?"

She thought about it.

"Yeah, I think so, it's gonna be hard, but Dawn trusts him and if I don't tell them she might go out and visit him without me there. I don't want her to be alone with him. She needs to know what he almost did to me. What he's capable of."

"Again, I think you're right."

She grinned and he just watched her while her eyes lit up. Glad that he could have been there for her.

"Why did you come by last night anyway?"

"Willow told me you were home alone, and I was worried about you. Thought we could spend the night watching tv or something."

She nodded, knowing that he cared, thankful that he cared. Getting out of bed, she walked over to him, sat on his lap, and hugged him.

"Ok Buff, what did I do to deserve this almost lapdance?"

She smiled.

"You protected me last night. You comforted me, you stayed with me in that lousy chair. You deserve this."

She got up. He stopped her by grabbing her hand.

"I'm your best friend Buff, it's my job to do these things. I can't let anyboby hurt you."

"I know what you mean."

She released his hand to go to the bathroom and he got up to make some breakfast downstairs.

"Xander?"

He stopped to look at her.

"Yeah?"

"You know I love you, right?"

He nodded.

"I know, I love you too."

She smiled.

"You're some friend, Xander Harris."

 He closed the door behind him, but she still heard his response.

"Anything for you Buff. Anything for you."

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________---

The End


	5. Needing you

Author: Joyce 

Title: Needing you

Disclaimer: I own the computer this was written on, next to that, absolutely nothing...

Note: This is the fifth installment in the 'Losing you' series. It takes place four months after the fourth installment, 'Protecting you.'

Needing you 

It had taken some time for Buffy Sumers to feel comfortable in her own home again, especially in the first couple of weeks after the incident with Spike. She had been somewhat jumpy, even after she recovered and had her full strenght back. She vividly remembered the first time she had been home alone after Spike tried to rape her. She thought that she could handle it, but she had been afraid. Not of what could happen, but of the memories. She ended up calling Xander, asking him to come over and they had spend the night watching movies and talking. She felt that he could really understand what she was going trough, since he was the only one who had seen what happened. Next to that, he always listened to her, no matter what.

Eventually she had found her inner strenght back, not overnight, but gradually. She could be home alone now and be totally relaxed, without her memories haunting her. It also helped that Spike never set a foot into her house again, with Willow doing the uninviting spell the minute she heard what happened, Buffy didn't even had to ask her to do it.

The vampire had shortly after the incident realised what he had done. He had tried to make amends, but Buffy didn't seem to care. No matter what, she could never trust him again and after a couple of weeks the vampire had realised that there was nothing left to stay for. He had left town, and ended up joining Angel's team in LA. Buffy had found it somewhat amusing to hear that the two vampires that loved her were now fighting side by side. Not as amused as Xander however, the image of 'Bleachboy' and 'Deadboy' protecting the streets of LA together still cracked him up every time.

Now, Buffy was enjoying a rare night of peace in Sunnydale, vampire activity had been low lately and she was enjoying a simple night of doing nothing. Willow had been doing nothing with her, until she remembered she had a paper to finish. The witch had gone out to go to the library, not all to happy about her task. 

A sudden knock on the door made Buffy leave her comfortable spot on the couch, opening the door she saw Xander standing there. 

"Hey Buff, doing anything special tonight?"

She smiled, stepping aside to let him in. Wondering why he looked kinda sad. Meanwhile he hung up his jacket and took a seat on the couch.

"Where is everybody?"

"Will ran of to the library and Tara took Dawn to see a movie. Which left me all alone."

The comment got a little smile out of him, while he looked at the empty bag of chips in front of him.

"So you decided to drown your sorrows in food?"

She grinned.

"Something like that, wanna join me?"

"Nah, I'm good, thanks."

She took a seat next to him, watching him as he was flipping through the channels with the remote.

"Xander, what's wrong?"

He turned to look at her.

"What makes you think something is wrong?"

"I don't know, you just seem kinda down. And you don't often come by at this hour on a Monday, since you always have early meetings the next day."

He had forgotten how much this girl knew about his life. Had forgotten how well she knew him. Sighing, he got up to take a letter out of the backpocket of his jeans, handing it over to her.

"I found this when I came home from work today."

Frowning she took the letter, he nodded to let her know that it was ok for her to read it. It didn't take very long for her to finish it, but the message was loud and clear. Looking up at him she took his hand and made him sit down again, holding him once he was close enough.

"I'm so sorry Xander..."

He just held her for a while, not saying anything. After a couple of minutes he let go of her and gave her a shaky smile.

"It will be ok, right? It's not like she died or anything, and I knew that we were over but..."

"It still hurts?"

He nodded.

"Yeah, it does. She's married Buff, really married. And not to me."

"Hey, if she was I would have been seriously pissed at you for not inviting me to your wedding."

Her joke got a little grin out of him.

"You wanna know what's funny? A part of me is happy for her, happy that somebody was able to give her what I couldn't. She writes that she really loves him, which is good. And he really loves her too, I guess that's also good. See, al good things here!!"

She forced him to look at her.

"Does that help?"

Confusion was seen on his face.

"What?"

"Lying to yourself."

He sighed.

"Not as much as I want it to. I mean, I'm not completely lying, I want Anya to be happy. But I used to think that I was the one for the job, you know? And I know that I'm the one that didn't want to marry her, I also know that a part of me didn't love her enough, but still... I _did_ love her."

She took his hand.

"It's hard to let go, huh?"

"Yeah, it kinda is. She's been gone for some time now, but I still had some hope that I would get a second chance."

Hearing him say that suprised her.

"I never knew you still cared that much about her. I mean, I knew you loved her, but I didn't know you were hoping for a chance to get back together."

He shook his head.

"I'm not hoping for a chanche to get back together. I do love her, yes, but I don't think we could have worked it out. I just wanted a chance to make it up to her somehow."

"Xander, the fact that she's married doesn't mean that you can't let her know that you're sorry. She wrote an adress on the back of the letter and she doesn't sound real bitter. You guys meant a lot to each other and maybe she just wants you to know that she's ok."

He still wasn't sure.

"Yeah, but I don't think she really wants me to contact her, I mean..why would she?"

"She married Xan, and I don't think she would have done that if she wasn't in love with the guy. Anya isn't the type to play games, she's way to straightforward for that. If she never wanted to hear from you again she wouldn't have sent you a letter with a return adress. Maybe she wants to bury the past just as much as you do. You never know if you don't at least try."

"Do you mind if I take some time to think about that?"

She shook her head, while she got up to go to the kitchen, returning with another bag of chips.

"Do you wanna try the 'drowning your sorrows in food thing' now?"

He perked up.

"Do you have any Twinkies?"

She laughed at the childlike hope in his eyes.

"I think I have them around here somewhere, yes."

"Bring it on Buff, bring it on."

The next half hour was spent eating and watching tv, until Buffy couldn't eat another bite.

"Xand, if I eat anymore I'm gonna pop out of these jeans."

He waggled his eyebrows.

"Promises, promises..."

She playfully hit him on the arm.

"You would just love to see that, huh?"

"I wouldn't really mind."

"Get your mind out of the gutter, Harris."

He shook his head.

"You've been dateless for a very long time now Summers, the time will come when you want some 'Xanderloving' and then I will tell _you_ to get your mind out of the gutter."

She gave him a sweet smile.

"Sure you will, Xand. Sure you will."

He just laughed, turning serious the second after that.

"Thanks Buff, I really needed you tonight. And not just because of the fact that you might pop out of your jeans. You really made it better."

Hearing him say that made her feel special.

"Hey, I can't let anybody hurt you."

Again he waggled his eyebrows.

"Because you might want some 'Xanderloving' in the future, huh?"

She grabbed a pillow from the couch.

"That's it Harris, you are so going to get it."

His smile got even wider.

"I've been waiting seven years for you to say that."

Her respone was a pillow in his face and he quickly go up to get the second pillow, so he could defend himself. They were getting really into their fight when the door opened and Dawn and Tara walked in. Seeing what was happening Tara began laughing, while Dawn snorted.

"You can't leave these guys for a minute... Pillow fights? What are you...fifteen?"

Xander and Buffy just laughed, wich made Dawn snort even louder. In a response Xander threw his pillow at her.

"C'mon Dawn, it's fun!"

She gave him the Summers glare and she sat down on the couch.

"Or maybe it isn't...."

Buffy laughed at his hurt expression, before turning to look at Tara.

"So, how was the movie?"

"It was fun, and how was your night?"

Xander looked at Buffy before he answered.

"It didn't start out to well, but Buffy gave me exactly what I needed."

Tara raised her eyebrows.

"A pillow fight?"

He gave Buffy a thankfull stare.

"Something like that, yeah."

She just smiled.

"Anything for you Xand, anything for you."

The End


	6. Forgiving you

Author: Joyce 

Title: Forgiving you

Disclaimer: None of the characters used are mine.

Note: this is the sixth installment in the 'Losing you' series. It takes place a couple of weeks after the fifth installement, 'Needing you.' This storyidea wouldn't go out of my head and I just had to write it as part of these series. Next installment will have a bigger focus on the Xander/Buffy relationship again.

Forgiving you 

Dawn Summers stormed into her house, slamming the door behind her and racing up the stairs. She was followed by Xander a couple of seconds later, who was holding his nose because of the fact that he had run into the door. He also ran up the stairs, following Dawn. Meanwhile, Buffy and Willow sat on the couch. Wondering what the hell was going on. Upstairs they heard Dawn slam the door of her room. The next thing they heard was Xander.

"Dawn, Dawnie? C'mon, let me explain! Please let me in... Dawn?"

There was a silence, until they heard her scream.

"Go away Xander! Leave me alone."

He tried again.

"But Dawn..."

"LEAVE ME ALONE!!"

Seconds later a defeated looking Xander made his way down the stairs. Facing his two best friends, who were both pointing their finger at him.

"Alexander Lavelle Harris, what the hell have you done to my little sister?"

The mention of his middle name made him look at Willow.

"You promised you would never, ever, tell her my middle name!!"

The readhead witch looked unimpressed.

"I lied, what did you do to her?"

He sighed, slumping down on the couch.

"Nothing, really, nothing."

Buffy sat down next to him.

"So you are telling me that Dawn slammed the door in your face, and won't talk to you, because you did nothing."

His looked up with a doubtful expression.

"Yes?"

Willow rolled her eyes.

"Spill it Xander, tell us what you did."

He got up from the couch.

"I didn't hurt her, I only defended her."

Buffy raised her eyebrows.

"Defended her?"

"Yeah, you see I was walking through the mall, because I wanted a new pair of jeans, and then I saw Dawn. Only she wasn't alone, she was with some guy and he was kissing her..."

Buffy groaned.

"I don't even wanna know what you did next."

He looked hurt by her comment.

"Hey! I only did what I had to do. I walked over to them and..."

Willow looked hopeful.

"Introduced yourself and asked who Dawn's new boyfriend was?"

He looked at her like she was crazy.

"No!! I shoved that guy away from her."

Both of the girls just shook their heads, so he continued.

"What? I had to, he was all over Dawnie!"

Buffy got up, looking at her best friend.

"Xander, Dawn is sixteen, she doesn't need you going al 'Tarzan' on her when she's kissing a guy at the mall."

Willow walked over to the stairs.

"I'll go up and talk to her, maybe I can get her to talk to you again. But no promises."

Buffy stopped her.

"She's my sister Will, let me try."

The witch laughed.

"No offence Buff, but I think I know a lot more about being an awkward teenager."

She sighed.

"Ok, point taken."

Turning around she saw her best friend sitting on the couch, looking like he still didn't know what had happened.

"What did you do after you shoved that guy away?"

"I took her by the arm and dragged her out of the mall, brought her here."

Buffy stiffled a laugh.

"You dragged her out of the mall?"

He looked up, at bit annoyed.

"Yes."

"Really dragged?"

"Yes."

By now she was officialy laughing.

"Oh boy, she's never going to talk to you again, even if Willow is offering her gold right now."

Crossing his arms, he still tried to defend himself.

"First of all, this isn't funny. Second, I only did what I did to protect her."

Buffy couldn't believe how stupid males could be sometimes.

"Xander, I'm gonna tell you this one more time. She's sixteen, there is nothing wrong with her kissing a guy. Do you remember what it was like to be sixteen?"

He got a triumphant look in his eyes.

"Yes, I remember, and we never did anything like that. We killed vampires, released demons on the internet and I almost lost my head to a big buglady....But we never kissed at the mall."

"Maybe not, but we thought about it all the time. Willow was thinking about kissing you, you were thinking about kissing me and I was thinking about kissing..."

He interrupted.

"The undead population?"

She ignored his comment.

"The point is, that we were all about kissing. And you, 'oh defender of Dawn's virtue', did more then that. You were groping in broomclosets!"

He got a smile on his face.

"Yeah, those were good times... And do I need to remind you of Angel? You were way ahead of me."

Sitting next to him on the couch again, she interrupted his trip down memory lane.

"So, we were allowed to do all of these things, but Dawn isn't?"

"Yes! Now you get it."

She gave him a look and he sighed.

"No, you're right. I acted like an idiot. It's just....she's Dawn, you know?"

She smiled.

"Yeah, I know. But she's not the same girl who had a crush on you anymore. She's growing up and...."

"She doesn't need me making an ass out of myself in front of her boyfriends?"

"No, she doesn't. She just needs you to be her friend."

He shook his head, beginning to laugh.

"You wanna know what's sad. I was really proud of myself. I thought I was damn manly today. Shoving that guy away and all."

She started to crack up to.

"Yeah, congratulations! You are a big constructionworker and you defeated a sixteen year old kid today."

He laughed harder.

"That's me, Xander Harris, king of all the sixteen your old males in the country. Bring it on, I'll defeat them all!"

She grinned.

"You're such an idiot sometimes."

He gave her a slow, somewhat sexy smile.

"But you still love me, right?"

Her answer was very serious.

"Yes, I still love you. But only because you never dragged me out of a mall before."

Thinking of Dawn, he wondered what to do.

"What do you think, should I go up there and try to talk to Dawn again?"

She thought about it.

"Nah, that will give her all the power. I mean, yeah, you were an idiot... But Dawn could take advantage of that for a very long time. Don't fall into that trap, just say you're sorry once she'll talk to you again, and leave it at that."

"But she will forgive me, right?"

"Of course she will, you're Xander. She'll won't stay mad forever."

He looked content after that and she smiled, taking his hand in hers.

"I know this may sound silly, considering the fact that you were wrong tonight, but....I just wanted to thank you."

He raised his eyebrows.

"For what?"

"For caring enough about my little sister to act like a total jerk. It's nice to know that you're looking out for her. You just need to know when to stop."

He touched his nose.

"I think I know now."

They were interrupted by Willow and Dawn making their way down the stairs. The younger Summers sister looked directly at Xander.

"I've decided to forgive you."

He looked confused.

"Ok. That was kind of sudden."

She continued.

"But, I do have a few conditions."

He nodded.

"I knew this was too easy...."

"First of all, you never, and I mean never, pull something like this again. I want you to promise me."

He got up and carefully walked over to her, giving her his best lopsided grin.

"I promise. I will never do anything like this again."

She somewhat melted by his smile, but braced herself and continued.

"Second, you are going to make this up to me. I want you to apologize to Jarrod."

He nodded.

"I'll do that, I'll apologize to Jarrod... Who's Jarrod?"

"Jarrod is my new boyfriend. At least I hope he still is. He might never speak to me again now that he's met you."

He brushed some hair out of her face.

"I think it will work out. Give yourself a little more credit."

She gave him a look.

"You're not out of the doghouse yet, mister... Compliments will get you nowhere."

By now he gave her his absolute best smile.

"And what about the truth, will that get me anywhere?"

She actually blushed a little.

"Stop that. You're not playing fair."

He backed off a little.

"And when will I be able to tell this Jarrod that I'm sorry?"

She looked at her older sister.

"He'll come by tomorrow night, if that's ok with you."

Her grin was almost evil.

"Fine by me, I want to see Xander apologize to a sixteen year old."

Dawn nodded.

"Ok, I'll go call him right now. You guys are so going to love him!"

She practically raced up the stairs, leaving the Scoobies behind. Willow looked at her friends.

"Does anybody else feel old all of a sudden?"

They both raised their hands. The witch looked relieved.

"Oh good, it's not just me then. Do you guys mind if I go up to take a bath?"

Xander grinned.

"Need some company?"

"Still gay, Harris... Still gay."

He snorted.

"You used to take baths with me all the time, Rosenberg. And it's not my fault that I'm not a woman."

She just grinned before she walked up the stairs. Xander reached for his jacket.

"Well, I guess I'll go home and take a bath all by my lonesome then."

"Need some company?"

He shook his head.

"Don't think that's such a good idea, Buff."

She grinned.

"You couldn't handle it, huh?"

He turned around, a big smile on his face.

"No, you couldn't handle it. I've been told that I'm quite attractive without my clothes on, you would go crazy with lust."

"Get over yourself Harris."

He gave her another sexy smile before he closed the door behind him. But she could still hear him behind the door.

"I will Summers, once you get over me..."

Tbc...


	7. Helping you

Author: Joyce 

Title: Helping you

Disclaimer: Nope, these characters still aren't mine.

Note: This is part seven of the 'Losing you' series. It takes place two months after 'Forgiving you.' The sixth part of the series.

Helping you 

**Xander's appartment, Friday, 6.00 PM**

Xander Harris had just opened the door of his appartment, when he heard the phone ring. Cursing, he dropped his groceries bags to run to the phone, but he was to late. He had just picked up his bags when the phone rang again. This time he did get it in time.

"Hi there, this is Xander."

"Hi Xander."

It was Buffy and her voice sounded bittersweet, to sweet. He just knew she wanted something from him.

"What do you want from me, Buff?"

On the other side of the line Buffy frowned, she didn't expect him to know her that well. 

"What makes you think I want something from you?"

Xander gave his best Buffy imitation.

"Hi Xander."

He imitated her tone perfectly, and she had to admit that it sounded a bit to sweet. She would have to work on that the next time she wanted a favor from him.

"Ok, you got me, are you happy? I need your help."

Even though she couldn't see him, Xander nodded triumphantly.

"I'm always happy Buff, especially when you tell me I get to have you. What do you want me to do?"

She was a bit distracted by the way he was flirting with her, he did that a lot lately. And somehow it didn't seem to bother her, not to mention the fact that she had been flirting with him too. Big time. But she couldn't dwell on that now.

"You've seen my bedroom right?"

She realised what she had just said and she could almost see him smile. His answer was to be expected.

"I've seen your bedroom Buff, but if you want I'll come over right now and look at it again. With you of course."

She smiled.

"Very funny Harris, but that's not what I mean. I think my bedroom is a bit to girly, like I'm still stuck in my teens. So, I wanna give it a more sophisticated look. And I was wondering if you could help me pick out some new stuff tomorrow. Your appartment doesn't look that crappy, I figured you could help me."

It was true that Xander had a good eye for decorating, which made the fact that he had absolutly no clue how to dress himself even more strange.

"I might be willing to help you. If I get absolute power in the amount of time we're going shopping tomorrow. Also, I don't want you to question everything you want to buy. If I tell you to buy it, you buy it."

She thought about it for a minute.

"Done. See you tomorrow."

"Ok, bye Buff."

"Bye."

She hung up, odly happy about the fact that she was going to spend the day with Xander.

**Buffy's House, Saturday, 10.00 AM**

The next morning Dawn walked by her sister's room when she noticed a huge pile of clothes thrown on the bed. Looking into Buffy's room, she saw that her sister was standing in front of her closet. Debating what she should wear.

"What the hell are you doing?"

Startled, Buffy turned around.

"Nothing, I just don't know what to wear."

Dawn looked at her a bit sceptical.

"What's the big deal. You're going furniture shopping with Xander, just throw on some jeans and a shirt."

Shaking her head, she walked towards her own room. Until it suddenly hit her why her sister wanted to look as good as possible. Smiling, she did a little happy dance.

"Way to go, Xander...."

Meanwhile, Buffy decided that she was being ridiculous. Her sister was right, she was just going shopping with Xander. He had seen her thousands of times, and since when did she care how she looked in front of him? Taking out a pair of jeans and a simple shirt she quickly got dressed. Not thinking to much about the fact that she picked out the tightest jeans she possesed and a shirt she knew looked stunning on her

Half an hour later, Xander pulled up in front of Buffy's house. He noticed Dawn sitting outside on the frontporch.

"Hey Dawnie."

"Hey Xander."

She was looking at him a bit funny and he wondered if he had put on his shirt backwards.

"Is something wrong?"

She gave him a big, bright smile.

"Nope, everything is fine. Perfect I would say."

"Good."

He walked into the house, still a bit confused about her behavior while Dawn followed him inside. Seeing Buffy, he gave her a smile.

"Hey Buff, you look good today."

Buffy looked at her clothes.

"Oh, these old things..."

Behind them Dawn rolled her eyes, while Xander waved his car keys in front of Buffy's face.

"Ready to go?"

"Sure."

Dawn opened the door for them.

"Bye guys, have a good time. A really, really good time."

She waved at them enthusiasticly, and again Xander got a weird vibe from her.

"Uh, thanks, bye."

Dawn closed the door, grinning from ear to ear.

"Those two are going to be so cute together...."

**The mall, 1.30 AM**

 Xander couldn't remember the last time he was this bored.

"Buffy, remember the rules I told you about yesterday? Could you just pick out a colour... That way we can paint your room this century!"

She looked at him, her hands on her hips.

"It's not that easy. The colour has to be perfect. It has to match with all the furniture in my room and it has to say 'welcome in Buffy's new, sophisticated room.' That is a lot of pressure to put on a colour."

He felt like banging his head into a wall.

"For crying out loud, just pick one. It's been an hour, we've been looking at paint for an hour!"

Buffy turned to the paint again.

"I will not be rushed."

"Will you at least be persuated to make you choice a bit faster?"

She didn't seem to hear him, looking thoughtful at the items in front of her.

"Yellow says happy, but I don't think it says sophisticated. Maybe I should go with purple, but I'm afraid that will give people a spontaneous head-ache. I've always liked red, but not enough to look at it that much. Black is to black and white says 'I have no imagniation,' but on the other hand green says..."

Xander interrupted.

"Shoot me now, does it say shoot me now?"

"I get the feeling you're not having a good time here."

Xander raised his eyebrows.

"You think? What the hell is wrong with normal colours, like grey or brown, or...whatever. Just pick one."

"Well, I do like brown, and I saw a colour over there that seemed perfect. But I'm afraid it will turn out to dark, and I don't want people to think I'm a dark person."

"First of all, I could always make the colour lighter for you. You just add some white into the mix. Second of all, who are these people you keep refering to? Does the highschool cheerleaderteam practice in your bedroom or something?"

By now she gave him a look.

"If they did you would be in my bedroom all the time."

He winked at her.

"I don't need a cheerleaderteam to be in your bedroom all the time, Buff. Trust me."

She quickly changed the subject.

"I think I'll go with the brown, if you promise you can make it somewhat lighter."

He was ready to promise her the world.

"I'll do anything, but could we please go now?"

"Yes, we can go now, unless you think..."

He grabbed her by the arm.

"No, no, we're not going to think anything. Get the paint you want and move that pretty butt of yours over to the checkout counter."

It was her turn to wink at him.

"Pretty, huh?"

He just grinned while he followed her.

**The mall, 2.30 AM**

An hour later Xander had finally persuaded Buffy to get something to eat. So they were drinking coffee now and eating a sandwich. Xander was just happy to sit and eat. He had also ordered his best friend to not talk about paint, bookshelfs or new beds for a least half an hour. Giving him a break, Buffy reluctantly obeyed.

The only problem was that now she had time to think about the more serious matters of life. She decided to bother Xander with it anyway. After all, he was the one who banned her favorite topic to talk about.

"Xander, can I ask you a question?"

He looked up from his sandwich.

"Shoot."

She took a deap breath.

"When did you know that you loved Anya?"

He had expected a lot, but defenitely not that question. Looking at her, he saw that the answer was important to her.

"Why the sudden interest in my past relationship with Ahn?"

She sighed.

"It's just...I feel like...You and Willow both know what it's like to love. And I just wanna know how you guys knew. How do you know if you're in love?"

By now he dropped his sandwich, the food forgotten.

"Me and Willow are not in love, why would you think that?"

She laughed.

"I never said you were, I said you both know what it's like to love. You with Anya and Willow with Tara."

He nodded.

"Oh, ok. But I still don't get your question. I mean...you've loved Buffy. Angel, Riley... I know you loved them."

She shook her head.

"I just don't know. Yeah, I loved them both. And Angel, he meant everything to me. Still does in some small part of me. But I'm not sure if it was the love you guys felt. You and Anya were ready to spent your life together. And Willow, I just know she never wants to leave Tara's side. You guys felt adult love, I don't really know if I had that with Angel."

He took her hand in his.

"I can't speak for Willow, but I can tell you that I'm not the one to answer this question. Loving Anya was easy for me, after a while you kinda had to. And she was so important to me, but in a way she was what Angel was to you. My first real love. I don't think I was ready for the kinda love you're talking about. Otherwise I would have married her, but I didn't because I couldn't."

"Yeah, I guess."

Sqeezing her hand, he forced her to look at him again.

"Are you afraid you can never really love someone? Because of the slayer thing and your bad trackrecord with relationships?"

She just nodded and he went on.

"Don't be, Buff. First of all, none of us decide to fall in love. Look at Willow, she never planned to love Tara like she did, but it still happened. And I just believe that it will happen to you too. Because you are great at loving people, you've loved me and Will for the past seven years. And except for a small bump in the road I never had any complaints. Don't start questioning whether you'll fall in love again or not, because I won't happen in a moment. But someday you'll just know, you'll just know that you're in love and that it's for real this time."

She just looked at the guy in front of her.

"How do you stay this positive?"

He smiled.

"I have a lot of great people in my life who I believe in. Including you, Buff. You guys keep me positive."

She got up from her chair.

"Thanks Xand, for always knowing how to cheer me up. So, on a more important note, are you ready to start shopping again?"

"No, not really, but I don't think I have a lot of choices here."

She grinned.

"Nope, none."

He got up, not all to happy about it.

"Ok, let's get this show on the road."

**Buffy's house, 6.30 PM**

Several hours later Xander pulled up in front of Buffy's house again.

"Buff, I don't care how sweet you ask next time, I'm not going shopping with you for a least a year."

She pouted.

"Oh, c'mon. We had fun."

"Fun? We looked at bookshelfs for two hours, they all looked the same to me, and I'm a carpenter. If I can't tell the difference, how the hell can you? After that, we looked at beds for the same amount of time, until you decided that there was nothing wrong with your bed in the first place!"

She crossed her arms.

"Well, there isn't."

He sighed.

"Buff, I love you, I really do. But if you do this to me again, I might kill you."

She still wasn't convinced.

"I still had fun. I like having you around me."

The implications of what she said were clear to both of them, but neither was ready to face it yet. Buffy decided she had to get out of the car, but he still followed her to the door.

"Do you mind if I skip dinner with you guys? I'm kinda exhausted from all this shopping, I really want to go home and just do nothing tonight."

She was actually relieved that he wouldn't stay. Some time apart would give them both a chance to think about the way their relationship was changing. Somehow the flirting had stopped being innocent and neither knew how to handle it.

"Yeah, that's fine. I had a nice time today, even if you hated it."

"I didn't hate it, I just didn't like it either."

She laughed.

"I got the message by now, Harris. You think I'm a terrible shopper."

"Good, for a while there I was beginning to think you wouldn't get all my subtle messages."

He reached down to hug her. Something he most always did these days when he said goodbye to her.

"Gotta go Buff, I'll see you tomorrow so we can start painting that sophisticated room of yours."

She let go of him.

"Deal. See you tomorrow."

He walked to his car when he heard her voice.

"Xander, thanks for the talk."

He looked directly into her eyes.

"I meant it, it will happen. You just have to believe it will."

She watched him ride away. Whispering to herself.

"Someday you'll just know you're in love. I'm beginning to believe, Xander..."

tbc...


	8. Hugging you

Author: Joyce 

Title: Hugging you.

Disclaimer: The characters still aren't mine. If they were you wouldn't have to read this, but actually see this on tv.

Note: This is number eight in the 'Losing you' series. It takes place three weeks after the last installment, which was 'Helping you.'

Hugging you 

Dawn Summers walked into the livingroom, noticing her sister Buffy on the phone. Laughing, clearly having a good time.

"Of course you can come over, you don't have to ask."

Apparantly the person on the other end of the line said something even funnier, cause her sister laughed again. 

"I really gotta go now, I'll see you tonight, ok? Bye."

The smile on her face as she hung up was radiant, it had been for some time now. But somehow neither her or Xander seemed to notice that. It was really starting to bug Dawn, she just knew there was something between them and that they both realised it too, but both were to stubborn and afraid to acknowledge that fact. It was time that she took some action, because at this rate these two weren't getting anywhere.

"Let me guess, that was Xander."

Buffy contained a sigh, she really didn't need Dawn bringing up the subject of Xander yet again. Things were complicated enough without her sister playing matchmaker all the time. Yes, she knew that Xander was becoming very important to her. And yes, she was aware of the fact that lately he had also become damn attractive to her. Was she ready to admit those facts out loud? Not in the least.

"Why do you ask?"

Dawn looked very innocent.

"No particular reason."

Buffy walked into the kitchen.

"Good."

Of course her little sister followed her.

"Are you ever going to tell him that you like him?"

Here it was again, time to play the part of 'deny everyting' Buffy.

"I do not like him Dawn. At least not in the way you seem to think I do. He's my best friend. You could almost say that he's my Will and I'm his Grace."

Buffy congratulated herself with a nice safe, while Dawn just rolled her eyes at the stupidity of her sister.

"First of all, you are such a liar. Second, Xander isn't gay, and I've never seen Grace check out Will's ass."

Buffy blushed, wich gave Dawn the convidence to continue.

"Also, I knew that you were just going to deny again. So, I've gathered some hard evidence."

The slayer wasn't to impressed.

"Did you force Xander to sign a declaration of his undying love for me?"

Dawn laughed.

"Oh please, to easy. No, I've made a list."

Buffy raised her eyebrows.

"A list?"

Dawn nodded, proudly.

"Yeah, a list. I've studied you guys over the last two weeks and I have the results right here in my hand."

Buffy was now using sarcasm.

"How exciting."

"You have no idea, sis. No idea."

Dawn was getting ready to announce the results of her research when she noticed her sister walking away from her.

"I don't have time for this Dawn."

In an ultimate attempt to make her sister stay, Dawn went for the big guns.

"Did you know that you and Xander hugged twenty five times in the past two weeks. Well, in my presence that is. He has hugged my and Willow both three times in the same amount of time. Coincidence, I think not."

It worked, her sister stopped and turned around again. Blushing, she was really getting good at that.

"We like to hug. There is nothing wrong with best friends who hug. Will and Grace hug."

Dawn was getting impatient.

"Would you stop with that Will and Grace comparison. You guys are nowhere near as funny and even they don't hug that much. In fact, the whole cast of Full House didn't hug that much."

Buffy crossed her arms.

"So what if we hug a lot. We only hug when it's important."

Dawn laughed, loudly.

"Sure you do. Februari 19th , Xander and Buffy hug. He has just given her the remote control. They hug again, thirty minutes later when Buffy gets up to get him a snack. They also hug when she returnes with the snack. Do you need me to continue?"

Her sister still wasn't convinced.

"That was one night, we were just very friendly and civilised there."

Dawn grabbed her list again.

"You guys have also hugged because he walked into the house, or because he lend you his car. And for the record, that fact alone proves that you're not just his best friend. He has seen you drive and decided to lend you his car anyway. He either has very good insurance or he is smitten with you."

Buffy was actually defended now.

"What is it with you people and my driving skills...Speed limits are made to be broken, there is no fun in doing what's right all the time.."

"Whatever, getting back on topic. You guys hugged because you made him pancakes, because he fixed our washing machine, because he told you that your hair looked really good that day and because you told him he was wearing a shirt that showed of his arms. The list is endless."

"I still don't see what the big deal is. Xander likes to hug, that's not my fault."

Dawn didn't back of.

"I knew you would say that. So, I tested him myself. I gave him the remote control, he said thanks. I brought him a snack, he called me sweet. I told him that his shirt really showed of his arms and then he asked me if everything was going ok between me and Jarrod. He did not hug me, not one time. Care to explain that?"

Buffy wished she could, but she wouldn't give up just yet.

"Look, it's not my fault that he doesn't hug you. Maybe he just doesn't like you that much..."

She heard herself say it and realised that she had sunken very low in her really weak defense.The glare that Dawn gave her showed her that her little sister felt exactly the same way.

"Oh, please Buff, that's your defense? He never hugs me because he doesn't like me? This is the guy who dragged me out of the mall when he first saw me with Jarrod and then later told my boyfriend that he would kill him if he hurt me. He stayed with me during the summer that you were dead and let me cry for hours, just holding me. Sorry sis, but I'm not falling for that one."

There was a crack in Buffy's defense.

"I didn't expect you too, I was running out of options."

Dawn smirked, knowing that she had finally made a small hole in the defense of her sister. Meanwhile, Buffy felt no such joy.

"What do you want from me, Dawn?"

She shrugged.

"Nothing, I want you to be happy, and I want you to consider the guy who makes you smile like you haven't done in years. Who holds you because he wants to. Xander could be it, Buffy. I just want you to give him a chance, that's all. If you don't take the first step now, you might never take it. You're gonna regret that. Think about it."

She left the kitchen, leaving Buffy to wonder when her little sister had become this wise, beautiful, young woman.

Several hours later Dawn saw Xander pulling up in the driveway. Racing down the stairs she managed to get outside before Buffy could see her. Therefore the first thing Xander saw when he got out of his car was Dawn.

"Hey Xander."

He groaned.

"Are you gonna shove that list into my face again? Haven't you tortured me enough last night?"

She rolled her eyes.

"Of course not, how could you think that? I'm just getting started."

Actual fear was seen on his face.

"For the last time, me hugging Buffy a lot means aboslutely nothing. We are..."

She interrupted.

"Don't you dare to deny again, mister. It's no use. You admitted that there was something going on between you guys. I heard it myself, you said it last night."

She paused to look at her list.

"At 10.30"

Xander was getting a bit desperate.

"Ok, so I admitted it, after three hours of you shoving that list in my face. That doesn't mean that I'm ready to act on it. Could you just let it drop, please? Give us time to sort this out."

Dawn wouldn't hear it.

"How much time do you need Xander? Are you going to wait until she meets someone else? Or maybe you're going to wait until she old enough to apply for a retirement home? Why won't you just take the first step?"

He shook his head.

"It's not that simple."

She sighed.

"Fine, but could you just tell me this. What are you so afraid of?"

Seeing the blank expression on his face, she nodded.

"Just what I thought. You guys are so busy being afraid that you forgot what you're afraid of."

Going inside she left him standing there, while Xander wondered when Dawn had stopped being the little girl who needed his advice and protection and had started to become his friend. His very mature friend.

Sighing, he decided that he couldn't stand outside all night, so he went into the house. Noticing Buffy sitting on the couch, smiling once she spotted him. Not able to resist he walked over and gave her a hug. She didn't seem to mind. Letting go of her they both saw Dawn making a note on her list. Seeing the glare they both gave her, she practicially raced up the stairs.

Plopping down on the couch, he looked at his best friend.

"Has Dawn been talking to you lately?"

She studied her feet.

"Has she been talking to you?"

He shrugged.

"She might have."

She still didn't look up.

"She might have talked to me too."

"Good, that's good."

"Yeah, real good."

There was an uncomfortable silence, until Buffy broke it. Still not looking at him.

"Wanna watch some tv?"

"Yeah sure."

The next hour was spent watcing tv, in silence. With neither of them looking at each other. Until Xander couldn't stand it anymore.

"Look, maybe I should just go. It's late."

She just nodded and he got up to get his coat. She followed him to the door and for a minute they both stood there. Until Xander reached down to hold her. She immediately wrapped her arms around his waist and burried her face in his shirt. Content to just let him hold her. It took a while for them to speak, and when she did he wasn't sure she had spoken at all.

"I like it when you hug me."

It was just a whisper, but she could feel him nod and just knew that he understood the hidden meaning. Looking up at him she smiled and he brushed some hair out of her face.

"And I like it when you smile at me like that."

Nodding, she rested her head on his chest again, until Xander reluctanly let go of her.

"See you tomorrow?"

She repeated it.

"Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow."

Turning around he gave her one last smile before he closed the door behind him. Thinking about what had just happened, he started to walk to his car when he heard something.

"Xander! Xander! How did it go?"

Looking up, he saw Dawn leaning out of her bedroom window. He gave her the thumbs up.

"I think we just took the first step..."

The smile she gave him was almost as beautiful as her sister's. And when he got into his car he could still hear her response.

"It's about damn time!"

tbc...


	9. Kissing you

Author: Joyce 

Title: Kissing you

Disclaimer: Don't own the characters, really I don't...

Note: This is the 9th part in the 'Losing you' series. I takes place a week after the last part, which was 'Hugging you.'

Kissing you 

Willow Rosenberg was reading peacefully on the couch when Buffy Summers came into the room. At first the redhead didn't pay to much attention to her best friend until she noticed the slayer pacing, a worried expression on her face.

"Buffy, is something wrong?"

The blonde shook her head.

"No, nothing."

Willow nodded and returned to her book, which was clearly not to Buffy's liking. She started to pace some more, this time sighing on ocassion for effect. It worked, Willow looked up.

"Are you sure there's nothing wrong?"

"Nope, nothing."

Willow rolled her eyes and tried to read, again. Which would have worked if Buffy's wasn't still in the room, sighing and pacing. The witch couldn't take it anymore.

"For Goddes sake, would you just tell me what's wrong or get the hell out of here?"

It seemed to work because Buffy sat down. Looking somewhat guilty.

"I..ehh..I have something to tell you. You see..lately there's been this thing between me and Xander..and I know that I should have told you sooner but.."

She stopped when she didn't hear the outburst she was expecting, instead Willow was grinning at her. Clearly amused.

"That's your big secret? Oh please, the thing between you and Xander is widely known, even Giles knows and he's in England."

The slayer looked somewhat confused.

"You all know? I thought Dawn was the only one..Are you sure it's everybody?"

Willow nodded.

"Everybody..  In fact, me and Tara made a bet a long time ago. She lost by the way, she thought that you two would get a clue sooner. And Giles found out a couple of months ago, it seemed that everytime you called him Xander was the main topic. You guys did a lousy job of keeping this thing between the two of you a secret."

Buffy blinked.

"We did?"

"Yes, we figured it out long before you and Xander did. I've never seen two people take such a long time to realise that they might be prefect for each other, ever."

Buffy was offended.

"We're not that bad. Last week we confessed that we liked each other. Kinda..."

Willow had to hide her smile.

"What do you mean, kinda?

"I told him I liked it when he hugged me. And he told me he liked it when I smiled at him."

The proud expression on Buffy's face was a bit too much for Willow's fight against her urge to laugh. She cracked up, laughing even harder when she saw the look on Buffy's face turn into anger. The witch had trouble speaking at this point.

"That's it? That's your big confession? Way to go Buffy, at this rate you guys will be married when you're both eighty."

"Hey! It had a hidden meaning ok. I'm sure he knows that I meant to say that I'm starting to fall for him, just like I know that he meant to say that he's starting to fall for me too."

Willow nodded, still laughing.

"Sure Buff, whatever you say."

Buffy didn't seem to hear her.

"But what if he didn't understand.. What if he really just likes it when I smile at him?"

"He doesn't Buffy. Yes, he likes it when you smile at him, but I'm pretty sure he's also head over heels in love with you."

"Good, that's good."

"So, tell me, what happened after this big confession?"

Buffy looked worried again.

"Nothing, and that's exactly the problem, absolutely nothing. He went home and we saw each other a lot last week, but nothing happened. I mean, yeah, sure we hugged a lot, which is nice.."

She trailed of, smiling.

"Very nice.."

Willow waved to get her attention again.

"Is there a point to all of this?"

"Yeah, there's a big point. The point is that I want him to kiss me. Why won't he just kiss me?"

"Why won't you just kiss him?"

The slayer thought about it.

"I don't know..It's not that I don't want to..Believe me, I do..But everytime I almost..It's just such a big step you know, it crosses a line..and.. I guess it's kinda scary."

"I think you just summed op why Xander won't kiss you. He probably feels the same way."

The slayer had a disappointed look on her face.

"Yeah, probably."

Willow decided that it was time to tell Buffy to take some action. Otherwise she would lose her bet too, and there was no way she was going to let Giles win.

"Buffy, do you know what the problem is with you guys? You both think to much. Just let it happen for once, it will work out. I promise, I have a lot of faith in both of you."

Buffy got up, after looking at her watch.

"I've got to get to work, I'll think about it, ok Will?"

Willow used her resolve face.

"No Buffy, don't think about it. No more thinking for you. The next time you see that boy you just march up to him and kiss him. That's an order, missy."

Her best friend laughed.

"I think I kinda like your orders."

Willow grinned, remebering her few stolen kisses with Xander.

"Oh, you'll like it alright."

Buffy shook her head when she saw a small piece of sixteen year old Willow in her friend. She grabbed her coat.

"I really have to go now, but thanks Will. I really needed someone to tell me to take some action."

The witch returned to her book, already thinking of a phone call she was going to have with Giles.

"Oh, it was no problem Buffy, I'm glad I could help you."

The slayer had only left a couple of minutes when the door opened again, revealing Xander. He looked relieved when he saw Willow on the couch.

"I really need to talk to you, Will."

This time she put her book down immediately, knowing what the conversation would probably be about.

"Just kiss her."

Xander blinked.

"How did you...I haven't even..How did you know what I was going to say?"

"Just call it intuition."

Xander saw the smile forming on Willow's lips and suddenly knew why she was smiling like that.

"Did Buffy talk to you?"

She looked as innocent as possible.

"She might have."

"What did she say? Did she say anything about me?"

Willow tried to look as stern as possible, wich wasn't an easy task when it came to Xander. She could never really be mad at him, since he always made her feel guilty. She had long ago admitted to herself that she could never resist the 'puppy' look he gave her whenever she was mad at him. But she was going to try now, otherwise she wouldn't finish her book this centrury.

"Xander, wake up!! She want's you to kiss her, she likes you, a lot. You want to kiss her too, you like her, a lot. What the hell are you waiting for?"

He was wearing a hurt and confused look at the same time.

"Did I miss some public announcement? How do you know I have feelings for her?"

"It was pretty obvious on both your parts, believe me. We all saw this coming a mile ahead. Of course you two keep driving in the wrong direction."

He sat down on the couch.

"I'm scared Will, what if I screw this up too?"

She sat down next to him, taking his hand.

"Then you screw up, it happens. But she loves you, I know she does. No matter what I don't think you can lose her. Do you?"

He shook his head.

"No, I don't think so either.."

She grinned.

"Then stop being so afraid and kiss that girl silly the next time you see her. It will work out."

He sqeezed her hand.

"Thanks Will."

"You're more then welcome."

The scene was interrupted by Buffy bursting trough the door.

"Hey Will, I forgot the papers I need for that meeting tonight. Am I dumb or what, anyway..."

She stopped talking when she noticed Xander next to Willow.

"Xander."

He waved.

"Hey Buff."

They just kept looking at each other, with neither of them moving. Willow shook Xander's arm, while looking at Buffy. Speaking to them both.

"Just do it."

The words seemed to get them out of their trance because they both moved towards each other at the same time, meeting in the middle. Looking up at him Buffy saw that he was smiling at her, and she couldn't help but smile back. She did that a lot lately and she loved the fact that he could do that. Make her smile. She stopped thinking when he reached down, cupped her face between his hands and kissed her. It was slow, sweet, gentle and passionate at the same time and neither of them noticed the redhead anymore. Who was smiling while watching them, then walked around them to go upstairs. In her room she reached for the phone. A sleepy voice was heard.

"Rupert Giles."

An evil smile was seen on her face.

"Pay up, mister. I just won our bet."

Tbc...


	10. Loving you

Title: Loving you

Author: Joyce

Disclaimer: Buffy and Xander are not mine. But we all know that, so you don't have to read this sentence. It's really just a waste of your time.

Note: This is the last part of the 'Losing you' series. I was convinced that I was done with it, but I just had to write this last part. This takes place six months after the last part of the serie, 'Kissing you.' I wrote that a pretty long time ago, so don't feel bad if you don't remeber that one, or this serie for that matter.

I want to thank everybody who took the time to review this serie. It really meant a lot to me, and as for this last part? What can I say, I'm a sucker for a happy ending.

Loving you

I never understood why these words were so important, until I longed to hear them.

'_I love you_.'

Sure, I know she loves me. I have known that since the first time I kissed her, six months ago in her livingroom. Everytime she smiles at me, I know she loves me. Everytime we make love, I know she loves me. I can see it in her eyes, feel it in the way she touches me. But she just won't tell me.

And I can't understand why. Telling her I love her is the easiest thing in the world for me. Which is pretty weird, considering the fact that it took me ages to tell Anya that I loved her. But with Buffy, it's just...I can't explain it, she's Buffy and I love her. It's as simple as that.

This night, I just can't take it anymore. We have just made love, and it was wonderful. Making love to Buffy is everthing I always imagined it would be, only better.

She's lying in my arms now, tracing patterns on my chest with her fingernails and yawning contently. I turn to her.

"Why can't you tell me?"

She doesn't look me in the eyes. The hand om my chest stops moving.

"What are you talking about?"

I force her to look at me.

"You know what I mean Buff."

"I don't know. I want to. It's just... Somehow, everytime I try... I can't."

She rolls away from me and I stop her again. Feeling like a jerk in doing so, but I have to know.

"What do you mean, you can't?"

She rolls back to me and looks at me for quite some time.

"What if you leave me?"

I snort. Does she really think I would leave her? Sometimes for a smart woman, she can be really dumb.

"Leave you? C'mon Buff, I would never leave you on purpose."

She uses sarcasme now. I never like it when she starts to use sarcasme. Which is funny, considering the fact that I'm the king of sarcasme myself.

"Tjee Xander, that's a relief, to know that you would never leave me on _purpose. _I feel much better now."

She is slightly irratating me, which is probably what she wants to do. Get me mad so that we can avoid the subject once again.

"Shits happens Buff, you know that. More then anybody else you should know that. I can't predict life, I can only tell you that I will never leave you because I want to."

She just nods, and I think she is starting to believe me. Until I see tears beginning to form in her eyes.

"This scares me. The way I feel about you, it scares me."

The last traces of irratation completely dissapear when I see that's she's crying. My girl is crying. I reach out and brush the tears out of her eyes with my tumbs.

"Don't cry, baby. It scares me too sometimes. Love is scary and painful and sometimes it's a bitch. But it's also wonderful and the most amazing thing that ever happened to me."

That get's a smile out of her. She takes my hands and holds them between her own.

"I never want to get used to this."

Now I'm confused.

"You never want to get used to what Buff?"

"These feelings I get when you touch me. Warm and fuzzy. I like fuzzyness. I don't think I can live without fuzzy."

I smile at her Buffy talk. Seeing in her eyes what her mouth won't tell me. And I decide to let it go for a while. This has gotta be enough. This small, wonderful woman next to me is enough. Even if she can't tell me that she loves me.

"I can't live without fuzzy either."

She nods again, gets comfortable in my arms and closes her eyes. Drifting of to sleep. I watch her until I feel myself drifting of too.

When I wake up some time later she is lying next to me, watching me.

"Hey."

"Hey Buff, did we sleep long?"

"Couple of hours, but don't worry. You don't have to go to work for another hour."

I roll over to look at the alarmclock, she's right. It's only six in the morning.

"Xander."

I turn back to her.

"Yeah?"

She hesitates, working up the courage and I just have to tell her that it's ok.

"You don't have to tell me. I know, it's fine."

She shakes her head.

"No, it's not fine. I want to stop being afraid. I want to tell you how I feel about you. You are the most important person in my life and I'm afraid to tell you how I feel because I'm scared that something will happen to you. Or us. And it's crazy. Not telling you won't make the pain any less if shit has to happen. As you so beautifully pointed out earlier."

I laugh.

"I'm a poet with words aren't I?"

She grinns a little.

"Yes, you are. And you are also stubborn and sometimes you smell bad after you come back from work. And you snore really loud and you can make stupid jokes and..."

I interrupt her.

"I get the point Buffy, really."

"Let me finish my sentence. And I hate it when you do that non-talking thing with Willow, because I never know what the hell you guys are talking about. But you know what? All these things, It doesn't matter."

My heart is beating rapidly in my chest when I speak.

"Why doesn't it matter?"

She smiles at me. And I think it's the most beautiful smile she has ever given me.

"Because I love you."

And there they are. The words I thought I'd never hear from her.

I've had a lot of life altering moments in my life. When I first met her, my relationship with Anya, when I found out that suave Xander was also a part of my personality, when I discouvered that I had the courage to fight against the evilness going on in the world. All these moments have brought me here, in this bed, with this woman. This woman who loves me.

_I love you. _

These words trigger the last change in my life. I have finally, completely, found her.


End file.
